Bittersweet
by Vains
Summary: What will Ichigo do when it seems impossible to escape the web that he has trapped himself in? Will he be able to escape or be engulfed by the web itself? Yaoi Rated T for mild swearing and violence
1. If I Could Run

Hey you guys I rewrote this story (even if I didn't finish it in the first place), I didn't want to keep it going all mixed up as I had it so I just write it again but better, I hope you guys enjoy it :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters (wish I did thought)

* * *

Slowly I walked through the silent hallway of the small flat. I had my shoes in hand so the noise of my feet would reduce. My keys and book bag on the other hand. It took every fervor of my being to keep my balance as tip toed through the hall the seemed to be getting longer and longer as I walked.

Now don't think that I was trying to get in to the apartment, on the other hand I was being as cautious as I could to make runaway.

The very reason why I was getting out of this hell whole (well not that there aren't other various reasons) was the very reason for every single damned thing that went wrong in my screwed up life.

Even though I say this, it hurt to leave everything behind. But I couldn't keep living under such conditions, it wasn't good for me or anyone else. It was tiring living here, it felt as if my blood was sucked out and drained through a sink whenever I was here, and I was constantly here.

I sighed inwardly as I finally made it to the door, successfully pulling my quiet steps off as to not awake any unwanted company.

I slowly unlocked the door flinching at the click the lock made when it told me it was safe to open.

I grabbed the door knob and looked back at what i was leaving behind. A lump formed in my throat as I thought of what I was doing. My sinuses stung and my palms began to feel sweaty as I thought of the fact that once I walked through that door I could never return to this place, the only place, I once called home.

I tried swallowing down the lump and willed the tears to go away, regaining composure of myself when I thought of my resolve.

'Yes, I shouldn't be unhappy about this, this is what I want isn't it? I can't be here anymore, it's not safe.' Is what I told myself repeatedly for days as I thought of this plan of action. I've had this resolve in place for months, I just never thought I could go through with it until... well, until-

"Ichiigooooo" I widened my eyes at the low rough voice that came from near the living room.

Shit.

Was all I could think before I froze in place, rooted to the spot I was in. My body started shaking and sweat began to form on my forehead. My stomach twisted and my legs wanted to give out. I grabbed at my head quickly and fell to my knees, not knowing what to do.

This, yes, this was the reason why I was escaping.

I tried to breathe in quietly as I noticed that no air was getting to my lungs. At the moment it was the only thing I could control that wasn't going to give out on me at any time.

'Okay Ichigo he hasn't found you yet, he's in the bathroom, you can still get away. Get up and leave' I kept repeating that to myself as I regained a little control of my body.

'He's not coming to get you, its alright, just breathe and walk out. You can do this.' I took a deep breathe silently and removed my arms from atop my hand standing up slowly. I searched the hallway that led to the very precise room he was just in. I tried to control my hand as it shook while I reached the door knob again.

'You can do this' I repeated the words my old friend Rukia used to say to me whenever she tried to push me to do this very exact thing.

I twisted the knob slowly, grateful to the fact that this doesn't make any noise, but dreaded the moment the door made a squeaking sound before I even opened it.

I sighed again thinking I could actually do this, I could actually get out of this damned place.

The door squeaked a bit more when I pushed it open again ever so slightly. Then I felt it, this immense pressure coming from behind me, it was chilling. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I my body froze again.

My breathing picked up and the grip I had on the door loosened. All I could do was pray in my mind that behind me wasn't what I though it was.

"Where you going so early, Ichi?"My eyes widened at the voice and my breathing came out in short gasps. My heart felt like it would come out of my chest at any time and the only thing I could grip on to keep my balance was the door.

'I-It really is him' I tried swallowing down at the lump in my throat that never ceased to leave. I didn't know what to do I hadn't thought about the fact that I would get caught, I didn't let myself.

I couldn't let myself know that there might be a huge possibility that I would get caught by him. If I did then my resolve would go to hell.

I knew I should have gave up on the idea of ever being able to be free as soon as it popped into my head but I just couldn't leave it alone, I had to go and get myself into this mess. I'll probably won;t see the light if day for a few weeks, or worse, much much worse.

I trembled at the thought and tried pushing it as far as I could from my mind. It wasn't the time to think about something like that and I couldn't just give up trying to leave after coming this close.

I couldn't let my resolve along with my life to go to waste in such a place. I couldn't let that happen. I furrowed my eyebrows and willed myself to move forced the damn lump to leave and gritted my teeth as I griped the handle again.

"I asked you where you where going." He boomed, sounding more threatening.

I almost fell to my knees when I heard his voice raise like that.

My body shook uncontrollably and more tears fell from my eyes. I was for a fact scared of this man.

I was always scared of him, even when I got involved with him. At first I thought I like the air of danger that surrounded him, it made me feel excited whenever I was with him. I always thought that it was love.

But... love... it can't be like this, it can't hurt so much to be with the person you love.

I can't love someone like this, I know that much.

'I can't be with him' I knew that much.

I breathed in a shaky breath and grabbed at the handle again. I knew what my whole objective of all this was, I had to get away, as far away from him as I could.

I gritted my teeth and forced the words out of my mouth. "I-I... I-I'm leaving." My voice came out quiet and struggled. I frowned at my own weakness of how pathetic I could sound.

"Y-You're leaving?" I flinched as I heard the howl of laughter that came from him. "Ha! You're leaving! Funniest shit ever!" He kept laughing and mocking as he attempted to mimic my voice in mockery. I frowned even deeper and blushed at his stupid antics to get on my nerves.

"Yes I'm fucking leaving." I said loud enough so he could hear me over his howling. The anger that began seeping into me made me sound more sure of myself and made me feel it as well. I knew what I wanted, why should I let some bastard make fun of me?

"And where the fuck are you going to go?" He said threatening, all mock gone from his voice. I flinched involuntarily again, making almost all the anger I once possessed dissolve into thin air.

I let go of the door handle and held myself as I heard his slow heavy footsteps as he walked towards me. Every step that he took struck another nerve in my system, like I was being pulled down by this invisible weight that got heavier as he got closer.

I refused though, I refused to be pushed down by the weights. I gathered the little strength I had left within me and held strong to the door handle, more to have something to hold on to than anything. Last thing on my mind was to leave at the moment, even though there was a screaming voice in there that told me to grab anything physically close throw it and get the fuck out. Of course, that wasn't anywhere near possible now that he was standing right in front of me, close enough so he could tower over me and I could feel more of his menacing aura from behind.

"I asked where the fuck you would go" He asked his lips close enough to my ear that I could feel his breath.

"Th-that's not any of your business" I tried speaking but my voice sounded more like a whimper or a cry than anything else.

Before I could do anything (not that I could) he grabbed at my shoulder and pulled at it slamming me against the door. I felt his hand wrap around my throat and force me to look up at him.

He was grinning like a maniac. I knew that grin all too well; he always smiled like that whenever he felt defied or wanted trouble. That smiled if you knew it well enough and knew its effects, could scare the living hell out of you.

I knew it all too well myself, suffered from the effects. I tried to avoid him reaching his limits of "excitement" or insanity.

This… this was the reason why I had never left before. This was the reason why I felt like I could die right now and it'd be better than having to deal with this.

I felt numb like my body was somewhere else and all that was left was my soul to deal with such a predicament. I wanted to hide, to run away from those eyes that felt like they could see right through you and rip you apart at any moment's notice. Eyes so intense that they could immobilize you and make you feel like you were dying.

Grimmjow wasn't the type of man to be messed with.

I knew that, but at the time of when we started seeing each other I could have never imagined being in such a situation, such a relationship.

His grip of my neck tightened and no air reached my lungs. I felt like this time he might actually kill me. I grabbed his hand between both of mine and tried pushing his away from my neck. His smile widened while I uselessly gripped at his arm.

I felt so powerless, so useless; I couldn't even protect my own life, let alone leave this hell hole.

More tears spilled and I reached for his shirt, gripping it as tightly as I could as I silently pleaded that this wouldn't be the end. I didn't want to end like this, not in such a situation, but truly, I could only blame myself for all this.

"Grimm-… please" His smile got wider and I felt like neck might just pop off before I was choked.

"Please what?" He asked in a venomous voice. I felt my body limp and the grip on his shirt and hand release. The room was going dark and my mind was blank. All I could do was stare at his wild smile as my consciousness slipped away from me.

"Don't" Was what I wanted to say, I didn't even know if I had actually said it or if I was just thinking what I should say.

Not that it mattered; I couldn't feel anything at this point. Maybe this was for the best, maybe ending it like this would be better. I didn't have to suffer anymore; I didn't have to deal with all this pain. Instead of dying in the place of someone I love, I'm dying by the hand of someone I loved. I would have laughed if I were still anywhere near conscious or maybe I was still dead, who knows.

I probably was though since I could hear Grimm yelling out my name and telling me to not die in front of his door.

Ha, this is the man I fell in love with.

* * *

'Am I dead?' I breathed in, feeling a twinge of pain on my neck that felt like I a knife was being put through it. I swallowed hard, feeling the same affect in my throat.

'Guess I'm not dead.' I sighed inwardly feeling sort of disappointed at the fact that I was awake. Not that I preferred to be dead or anything, it's just that once you are that close to loosing your life you come to piece with yourself and accept the fact that you can't go on any longer, well at least it was for my case. But I'm alive so it must be a miracle... yay me.

My eyes felt heavy as I opened them, not really wanting to but just in case I was in hell and pain is what you got for being here.

I blinked a few times as my eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room. I was felt even more disappointed realizing that going to hell wouldn't have been such a bad thing. I was in my room laying on my bed, I felt like closing my eyes and hoping for eternal sleep but that wouldn't happen. I sighed heavily flinching at the pain in my throat again.

My body ached at the slightest movement I made with my arm as I lifted it to my neck to feel the pain. I half expected it to be ten times smaller then what it was but no, it was there all of it. It just hurt like hell when I touched it.

'There's probably a bruise mark in the shape if his hand there.' I wanted to laugh at it all as I remembered my attempt of escape. How pathetic I was at letting myself slip in that moment of weakness. I knew shouldn't have even looked back, I knew not to look back and think of all what could have been. I knew that if I did that I would slip, I would fail, like I did.

Though it was unavoidable. He probably knew what I was planning from the beginning and played along until the final moments. For this I just want to laugh uncontrollably.

'So why are you doing the exact opposite? You're such an idiot Ichigo' I chuckled inwardly at my own weakness. At how ridiculously pathetic I was and I have a feeling that it won't change. I'll always be the same... Even if I don't want to... I mean what's the point of fighting it, this is how things are meant to be.

'That's not true and you now that! You may be pathetic and a weakling but you can't give up now! You've come too far to give up.'

Yeah but what's the point in it? To go so far just to be pushed back down again. What's the point of getting back up?

'You really are an idiot. Why would want to spend a miserable life with a man you and I both know that you don't love him! So why the hell are you letting yourself get pushed around and hurt like this?'

Oh just shut up! Even if I fucking try its not like it's gona change a damn thing!

I breathed in heavily, ignoring the pain again. I was more focused on the fact that I was having a fucking conversation with my own mind. Maybe I was going crazy after all. Maybe the craziness spreads if you spend to much time around the crazy ones.

Well then if that's true then I should've gone insane about two years ago.

I shifted my body towards the nightstand, trying to accommodate myself better. I hadn't noticed anything around me besides the fact that I was in my room, until there was slight rustling of the bed sheets and shifting going on next to me.

My body instantly froze and my breathing stopped. My body felt rigid and tense as one of his arms made their way around me pulling me closer to his chest.

I gritted my teeth and felt pain from my neck again, causing me to almost cough, but doing that wouldn't be the best of ideas at the moment.

I choked on myself and breathed in breathed in some air trying not to cough or make the stinging pain in my neck any worse.

When I finally stabilized my little attack, I took notice of the fact that Grimmjow was still asleep. I thanked the heavens for that.

Wait a fucking second... why the hell is he still here? Usually he would get himself drunk and not come home for days... yet he's here.

I lifted myself up into a sitting position on the bed, I looked over at him as he slept.

Grimmjow, you're a piece of shit. I can't help but thinking that. Why are you like this? Why do you hurt us like this? Hah, when I look at you sleeping like this I can't help but smile, think that everything is actually okay between us. Why is it that you put us though these kinds of things? Grimm... I, I love you, I do, but I don't know how long I can keep this up, my body can' take much more of this... So please Grimm, stop hurting us, stop hurting me...

I brought my knees to my chest and let my head fall on them as tears fell from my eyes. I looked at him from the corner of my eyes and couldn't help but smile, even as I wept. I knew that I just couldn't not love him. I knew that I couldn't have any hate for him inside of me.

My hands reached out to his bare arm that still wrapped around my waist and trailed the tattoo that was there.

"Ichi?" I jumped, surprised at the sudden call of my name. I looked over at him and unfortunately saw him looking right back at me with his vicious yet half asleep eyes that never seem to take a break from intimidating others.

* * *

Can't say its my best work but it is what it is. I had to re-write it because my first story of this wasn't going to get me anywhere and however many times I wrote it it didn't work so i just wrote it all up again, same story different beginning setting (well not really setting) but it's all the same concept and feel. I hope you liked it and

please

Review :D


	2. In My Stable Mind

Hey you guys, been a while hasn't it? Well yeah this is the 2nd chapter

Enjoy...

We're well beyond disclaimer point so it doesn't matter

* * *

"Ichi?" He called my name again, now more awake than before. His eyes glazed over me with a look of sadness. I looked back with a look of shock and slight horror.

My hands instantly went to my neck and wrapped around it protectively. He gave me a small smile and lifted himself up. My lips trembled as his hands made their way up to meet my own shaking ones.

One hand lay on my cheek, the other wrapped around my neck, the same way it was last night.

"What's wrong Berry? You seemed scared." He grinned mockingly at me, knowing full well how I felt.

I shook my head rapidly and backed up slowly. His smile became wilder as he noticed the little movements I made to get away.

"Are you going to run away again?" His grip around my hands tightened and he grabbed me by the arm with his other hand, pulling me closer to him.

His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on me. I shook my head again terrified at what he might do.

"You're not going to try to leave again?" I shook my head once more answering his question. His eyes narrowed and studied mine more what felt like hours. His lips curved up into a huge smile that showed his feline teeth.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, his arms wrapped around me pulling me closer. I could feel the heat of our bodies coming together as he pulled me closer to fill in all the possible space between us.

His teeth bit mine harshly and his tongue forced its way into my mouth exploring every part of it.

My hands still wrapped around my neck made no effort to push him away; instead they wrapped themselves around his neck pulling us closer to one another (as if that were possible).

Grimmjow not removing his lips from mine for even a second pushed me down to the bed with himself on top of me. His hands were all over my body, ripping and tearing off the clothes in his way in the process.

He parted his lips from mine and moved further down, leaving bloody marks as he made his way down to my uncovered nipples.

Tears ran down my eyes as I moaned from the pleasure and the pain of it.

Though I know I shouldn't be enjoying any part of this, I can't help myself. It's not easy to be able to hold ones self-back when they are being touched like this, especially by someone like him. All fear was gone from my mind and had been replaced by lust. Lust for the body that was on mine, for the hands that wrapped around my waist pulling me closer to him so he could give the pleasure we desired.

"Ah~ Grimm" I yelled when he bit down on my nipple. He chuckled and bit again, more forceful than before.

I grabbed at his hair and pulled at it, my hips buckling as he grinded himself against me. I pushed myself up wrapping my legs around him, feeling the heat go down to my groin as it collided with his clothed one.

Our lips brought back together in a sloppy kiss. I parted my lips giving him entrance to my mouth; he didn't take a moment's thought and slipped his tongue inside. I didn't bother fighting for dominance already knowing who would win.

His hands were lingering on the waistline of my sweats, ready to pull (or rip) them off when the alarm sounded off.

We broke off the kiss and I unwrapped my arms from his neck falling on to the bed. I let out an exasperated sigh and we both looked at each other with a wild smile appearing on his lips. He was happy and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I was glad that he was, it wasn't usual, but it made me feel like we were a normal couple, that he was a normal man. That behind that smile of his wasn't some demented man ready to rip off your head whenever he felt like it.

He touched my cheek softly before turning around and getting off the bed, which then he proceeded to ripping off the still sounding alarm and throwing it out the window before walking into the bathroom.

Well there goes another alarm

I know what you must be thinking, what the hell is wrong with you? Yeah I'm sort of thinking this myself. This always happens after we fight, he goes off and gets drunk and then he comes back and we have sex.

I know I shouldn't let it happen but it's not like I can just push him away. If I could I… probably would maybe.

'You should dumbass'

I shook my head at what I guessed was my conscience talking to me.

'I guess you could call me something like that… for now. I know I said I wouldn't get in this shit again but seriously you're being fucking stupid. You can't just make out with him and forget all that happened. Shit can't work like this and you know it'

Then what am I supposed to do? I can't leave!

'Yes you can! Why don't you just try harder to? At this fucking point it seems that ya **like **being treated like a bitch.'

I know I can't no matter how much I try, I can't leave him, he-he'll find me no matter where I go, and anyway I already promised that I wouldn't leave.

'Ya promise that shit every time he beats you like a bitch. Fucking irritates me when I see ya crying like that and then go back to him like nothing happened and I can obviously see that he's satisfied with the situation.'

…

'See ya know I'm right! If it were me I would've left this asshole a long while ago.'

What do you mean you? And what's with the sudden accent? Damn why the hell is my brain doing this to me?

'Guess ya haven't figured it out yet have ya?'

Figured out what?

'…'

Figured out what!

I gritted my teeth mostly to myself then at being ignored. Yeah, I was having another conversation with myself as if there was actually someone else there and I felt ignored… Not only that but I'm actually starting to feel like there might be someone else deep inside of me.

I really hope I'm not going fucking crazy… it's just too much to handle.

I lied back down on the bed, wrapping myself with the blanket and closing my eyes. I didn't want to think or feel, I just wanted to forget. If I could just have some type of brain wash t the first time I met Grimmjow, to the first time he laid his hands on me. If I could go back, I think I would've done things differently.

I just know that I don't regret falling in love with him, even though it's the reason why I'm in all this.

* * *

I know its short, but I just really wanted to post something even though there isn't much to it... yeah this took a whole week to write because everything that I put down in paper seemed like junk and I haven't had my cpu for a while now ('cuz I got it taken away... again).

So yeah 3rd chapters gona be much longer (I hope) and it'll in the past covering things on hwo they met and events leading up to the story so far and what not. See you next time!


	3. Screwed Up

No excuses from me this time, just enjoy the story and remember that before you right a story figure out your plot so you won't have writer's block like I did...

Disclaimer: Pssh think its a little late for this but what the hell... I do not (unfortunately) own Bleach in anyway shape or sexy form

* * *

It was almost time to go home, the sun was setting in the horizon, ready to go and fuck the people from the other side globe with its shitty daylight. I sighed being glad that another stressful work day had ended.

I worked at a candy shop that my dad's friend Urahara ran. The man was a creep, I could easily see that. Always wearing a hat and clogs with a cane and a green yukata, this was his outfit (more like his uniform), that he always wore... everywhere. But that isn't the only thing that makes him weird, it was that fang that he always had (part of his uniform) hiding his motions behind it. I knew that whenever he put up the fang to his face it either meant that he was hiding something, doing something devious, or just being a plain pervert. Yes, I got all that from working with him for about 2 years.

The man wore me out, not only his personality but the work he made me do. Carrying boxes up and down from his immense storage to the shop, regularly making go out of my way to go across town just to get some random supply that he didn't even need. But I knew that it was only to get me out of his shop while he did some strange business with sketchy people that came in. Now I'm not saying that he maybe doing some weird illegal underground thing, but that it was weird, it was weird.

I breathed in the cool night air as I walked out of the shop in front of my boss. I heard him talking to his other employee (or boyfriend), Tessai in his usually happy-go-lucky attitude. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, I didn't know how he got so much energy when he spent all day walking around from one place to the other.

"Ah~ Ichi, your leaving so soon?" He cooed from behind me as he put a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah... why?" I asked suspiciously. He only ever did these kinds of things when he wanted something from me, which was almost always.

"I wanted you to do me a little favor." He put his fan in front of his face, hiding a stupid smile. He was holding a small box in his outstretched hand. Displaying it so I could see it properly as he held it out.

I groaned inwardly already knowing it was one of his strange deliveries he always sent me on to some creepy out of town area.

I frowned at him already knowing that he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No." I said anyway as his face brightened up.

"Good." He smiled again closing his fan and holding the box to my face now. He took a piece of paper and gave it to me. "I need you to deliver this to the address in there. Follow the directions exactly and don't screw up." His voice was low and serious, the look in his eyes sending shivers down my back, I knew that this must have been important since he was only this serious on very and by very I mean extremely rare occasions.

I nodded taking the box from his hand, trying to be as serious as he was and trying not to show how much he was freaking me out.

"Good. See you tomorrow then Ichi!" He smiled, all seriousness gone, before he walked off with he his mate next to him chatting lightly as they walked. It ceases to amaze me how that man was able to scare a person shitless when he was such a fruit ball. Made me wonder which side of his was the real one.

I paid no more mind to my thoughts as I sighed again looking at the paper and small box in hand.

Might as well...

I opened the paper and looked for an address, there only being a drawing of some streets and an arrow pointing which way I should go. I gritted my teeth at the stupid hat'n'clogs, and forgot about the idea of going home anytime soon.

I looked at the paper again and followed the route it took me in, not paying any mind in where I was going exactly. Only because I didn't really care about the strange place I was being sent to, just about being able to deliver it and go home.

Perfect day to leave the house without a car... not like it would've mattered though.

The sun was fully set now, making it difficult to see the route I was supposed to take. Not only that but the sudden wind that started blowing making the paper hard to keep straight in one hand and the box in the other. I decided to place it in my bag... which was not with me considering the fact that I left it in his shop for some stupid reason.

I cursed under my breath not wanting to think of the homework that I now would have to hand late in because of my little blunder. I kept walking trying to make the paper straight as I damned the wind for being so ridiculous.

Alright so now I have to go left... at least its what the paper said. So far so good I thought before looking to my left at what I was expecting to be a road that would lead me in the right direction, but of course because I had the luck of a person that walked under a ladder while letting a black cat walk in front of them only to get startled and break a fucking mirror all in the fucking process of sending all four leaf clovers and horse shoes to hell. I don't even know if that makes any fucking sense but I'm sticking to it.

Point is that I had pretty shitty luck and a bad sense of direction or following maps or any shitty thing that got you to where you needed to go.

I grunted exasperated, wishing that some magical road were to appear out of nowhere and lead me to the right place. I wasn't up for being lost at 10o'clock at night. I know, what the hell is a candy shop doing open so late? Well its called being exploited, doing little "errands" for him after the shop closes at 5pm then going out of my way to restock and fix for the next day and that sort of crap.

Not that it all mattered right now since I still am almost lost AND the paper that I was holding onto just a few seconds ago in my hand was gone. Yup it fucking disappeared from sight, just went puff and it was gone. I didn't even feel it when the wind blew it away somewhere while I was cursing at the wall that was supposed to be my way out of this freaky (just 'cuz I noticed my surroundings right now) street, that had almost no street lights except the one that I was standing next to and another one far down the damn street.

Fuck I wanted to go home, but I knew I couldn't just leave things like this, then that stupid head'n'clogs would probably make me work even more than I was before. While he amde out with the other dude in his office, yeah I knew what they did in their, I've heard them. I sighed looking at the ground, trying to hold back a shiver as I tried not to think of the noises they made. I looked for the paper that showed me the way back to known streets with no luck.

I mean even if I weren't to deliver this thing I still need the paper to get back. Although... I could just walk down the street and see what street I'm in and call Grimm to come pick me up, then give that damn man his stupid box tomorrow so he could deliver it himself.

Great idea

I walked down the street not caring about the conversation with the serious voice or the "don't screw up" that he told me right before he left me in shock...

I slowed down my pace rethinking my whole idea and going back to search for the paper. I need to deliver this, he never sounded so serious about a delivery before, so it had to be something important, I couldn't just not do it.

I sighed heavily and looked around again touching the dirty floor to see if the paper was just camouflaging. I looked a bit more until I heard rustling going on in a near by bush (that I hadn't noticed was there until now).

I looked up quickly just in case it was the paper... okay I lie, I looked up in case it was a serial killer or a hobo that came to kill me, or maybe that dude from the movie I know what you did last summer (man creeped me out). You can't judge though anyone in my situation would be the same.

I got up up and cleaned my hands while walking to the bush carefully.

Fortunately the rustling was only a piece of paper stuck on the branches. I grabbed it to check its contents, sighing and thanking that one horse shoe that came back from hell to hit me in the face for it.

I noticed that the heavy wind was gone, the clouds in the sky had cleared up and the moon was shining brighter. Shit was just about to get whole lot easier.

I got my phone out to check the time just to notice that it wouldn't turn on because it was dead.

Well fucking hell, I restate my last last sentence, shit only got mildly simpler.

I looked at the paper again and walked down the street again, figuring that maybe I'd get somewhere if I retraced my steps.

I walked around for a few minutes turning streets and going through different alleys to find myself coming out of an alley that led to a very bright street. By bright I meant the signs that adorned all of the buildings from either side of the streets from one end to the other.

I was shocked, really, never having seen this place before. It's not like I don't go out to the bars and stuff, I've just never been around here. It was all so new to me, probably only to me since there were many people out and about, couples, groups, and just random people looking very fashionable as they stood in the lines for the clubs or bars and walked the streets like it was the middle of summer... which it wasn't, it was autumn, the middle of it.

I walked all the way out of the alley, and walked down the street, like the paper said, not helping the feeling that I was being stared at by the people that walked by. I felt a little under dressed, a little foolish actually. But really it didn't even fucking matter 'cuz I wasn't here for fun, I was passing by to get somewhere. I just didn't know where...

I was nearing the end of the street when I heard a loud barking laugh coming from the other side of the street. I looked over to see who the impertinent person that startled me was when I stopped mid track.

You know that feeling you get when things are going in slow mo and you see different flicks of natural disasters happening right in front of you? Well yeah, something like that sort just happened to me. I felt like a tsunami had passed me, followed by an earthquake then the ground splitting apart in half and then the eruption of a volcano.

That is pretty much described my feelings when I saw Grimmjow with his arms wrapped around some girl's neck walking out of a club. They were laughing and smiling and holding each other and then it cracked... pretty much my whole world just cracked right in the fucking middle and split into half to fall to the depths of hell when I saw him pushing her against a wall and make out.

...

Grimmjow

is

bisexual

I got that... its just that

Grimmjow

is

with

some **_GIRL_**

I don't think that at the moment I can even begin to explain what the fuck is going on, I was too busy in planning the oh'so many ways I was going to violently kill her and enjoy it.

'Calm down Ichi ya don't want to do anything rash' Conscious you always come out in the most of inopportune times. Why is that?

'Well if I am your conscious I'm sure that that would be my job moron, helping you in not doing dumbass shit that could get you in trouble' Guess you're right, but can you let me get away with this at least? I'm sure that I would be doing a favor to the world in removing such a thing from this planet.

'hah no, ya can't, even though I would love to see how that goes'

After standing like an idiot for what felt like hours, my body finally decided to unfreeze and I look away from them, deciding that maybe doing some public humiliation (to myself) wasn't the best idea to have, not that it mattered.

I was about to walk away when the thought of that girls face passed through my mind. Long tall skinny girl with huge bosoms and long orange hair... I've felt like I've seen her somewhere before...

"Shit.'

I probably looked like a deer staring at the headlights of a car that was about to get hit when I finally remembered who that girl was. I whipped myself around towards them and almost sped their way. That bitch used to go to school with me, what was her fucking name? Oh yeah Orishitme, I hated that girl, I always knew that behind that fucking ridiculous act that she always tried to pull, acting all innocent and junk, that she was always after men, she was always breaking up couples, always went out with some other girl's boyfriend and then tried to act oblivious and cried if someone confronted her about it. I forgot what they call them bitches... but yeah, she was a fucking slut. Now she was with **my** fucking Grimmjow, the douche going out with her and making out in the middle of the street.

I was almost there, stalking behind them quickly as they made their way up the street. I didn't even care who I bumped or was looking at me funny.

I knew how I looked, I couldn't help the fucking tears that were coming out from my eyes like fucking pools. I swear leave me on the street and I'd probably make a good water slide. But I wasn't like this because I was sad... well I couldn't get myself to feel that way when all I felt at the moment was anger. It was overpowering any other feeling of betrayal that I had in me.

I'm sure my mind wasn't even functioning properly as I walked quickly, almost turning into a jog as it raced with the thought of losing him. But what would I do once I got there? Not like I was even close to thinking that at the moment, all I saw around them was red, there was a ringing in my ears that prevented me from even thinking at all. All I knew is that I wanted to see some blood, that's all.

I wanted to feel their blood in my hands. I wanted to laugh at them, to let them know that they couldn't fool me.

Tell me, have you ever done something so bad that you felt good about doing it? No remorse, no anything. Just the satisfaction of having pulled of the most stupidest, most fucked up act in your whole fucking life? Well I can tell you right now that this wasn't the first fucked up mistake in my life, that's for sure.

But I didn't feel guilty or bad about it, I was rather glad, I felt like if I could go back to a few seconds ago I would've pushed them just a bit harder.

"Oh My God!" I heard someone scream, then many people were yelling and and moving all over the place. I turned around from the commotion seeing as no one payed attention to me but to the couple that was on the street, ran over by a very convenient truck that was passing by at just the right time.

I pushed passed the people that ran to where all the commotion was, with a satisfied grin on my face.

I looked at the box I was still holding in my hand and decided that it was best that I delivered it.

* * *

o.O What the fuck? Where did our sweet little Ichi go? Why is it that Urahara decided to make him go on that wild trip in the first place? What is inside that mysterious box? Who is Ichi going to deliver that box to? What is he going to eat when he gets home? And why am I asking you all these questions?

Find out in the next chapter of...

Love Love Boy Pop!

Haha, no. But seriously, you guys might be thinking how does this fit with the rest of the story? But don'y worry you'll see.

And I'm sorry to those of you who like Ms. Orihime (st), the joke was right there and I couldn't help myself, it was the first thing that popped into my head and I was literally dying when I thought of it. So yeah, sorry but it was a good joke.

Remember my darlings to review and seriously see you next time in this dramatic story of a screwed up couple and... I got nothing else

Yeah... see you :D


	4. Who I Really Am

Tell me, have you ever done something so bad that you felt good about doing it? No remorse, no anything. Just the satisfaction of having pulled of the most stupidest, most fucked up act in your whole fucking life? Well I can tell you right now that this wasn't the first fucked up mistake in my life, that's for sure.

It wasn't the first and it sure as hell wasn't going to be the last. I wasn't done, it didn't satisfy me enough. The thought of them falling head first towards the pavement as the truck sped by colliding full force against their bodies.

No, it wasn't enough.

The blood spilled wasn't nearly enough to satisfy my thirst for revenge. I wanted to destroy not only them but everything that they held dear. I wanted them to suffer and not have the thought of hurting me run through their minds.

All I could say was that they deserved it and that doing this to me was the biggest mistake of their lives.

You may be wondering that if I'm capable of something so horrid why did I let myself get hurt by someone like him. Why didn't I fight back? It was utterly simple really. Him hurting me was like an escape... it made me feel like I was paying back for all those things I did back then, for all those I hurt.

I never fucking loved that dumbass, he was only good for sex and that's all. I'm the type of person that likes it rough, not ashamed to say it. I was always intrigued by his looks and attitude, I knew the way he was and I wanted to have him. I knew he would hurt me in the end I knew what I was getting into but I just didn't care.

A truly screwed up person I am. I used him so I could atone to at least some of my sins and ended up either killing or almost killing him, out of a fit that wasn't even jealousy.

I lied, you wana know the reason why I hate her? It wasnt because she was some slut (which she was) it was because I hated her brother.

Heh, I killed that bastard a few years ago while he tried to catch me. He was a police man he was, I guess you could say a descent one at that. But he just wasn't up to my skill level. Even though the damn bastard tried to catch me.

I used to be in a gang... don't judge. It was one of the most famous one's in Karakura. They were known to do some heavy damage, they killed and harassed anyone they didn't discriminate. Tell me as a child did you ever see another kid your age get beaten up with a bat to death and enjoy watching it? Well I joined when I was ten, where my family was at the time, you don't need to know.

I pretty much raised myself with those losers, but the point is that somehow that mother fucker found out our base I was like 13 or 14 when it happened. It was every asshole for himself at the time, so we all ran, I as a clumsy kid fell and made a huge noise that got myself caught by him. First thing I found lying around closest to me was a convenient knife. I cut his throat and stabbed a him a few times in the heart and boom he was as dead as I was at the time.

No one ever found out about me or the killing since I have this thing with making great getaways with out being found out and disappeared. Years passed and I had become a somewhat normal high school student since I quit the gang I was in (they got lame all of a sudden). Then I met that bitch, you're probably wondering what the hell she has to do with any of this, but her face... it reminded me of that bastard. I always hated her for it, every time I saw her it reminded me of the look he gave me as I stabbed him, it was like he didn't blame me for it, like... like he pitied me or something. That same look she would give me and it would just infuriate me.

Why wasn't I being blamed for his death? I killed him. Why didn't he look at me with hate? I always wanted to tell her that I was her brother's killer just to see if that look in her eyes would change. What look would she give me then, if they changed spots and I would've killed her instead, would that be the same look he would give me?

I always wondered that, I've always wanted to know.

Though that desire was soon forgotten when I met Grimmjow. I changed... I became the masochist Ichigo, the one that would take his shit and say that it was for the better.

But that was never my true self, it was never the person I really was. The real me was always inside, hidden away, that voice that I once called conscience, it was always the real me that wanted to get out but knew that it wasn't the time to, that is until now.

The me now that wants to kill has always been the real me. I've never wanted to change, I just had to accept the fact that I could never atone for my sins, that the only way I could ever feel alive was taking the life of another.

It made me feel like someone, like I belonged in this world. I mean what's a story without its antagonist? There would be no story.

I make this story have a purpose, a reason why it should exist. Being the main character of this horror story... it suits me quite well.

I smiled at my thoughts and began whistling again as I made my way down the dark street to the destination I was supposed to deliver the box to.

I wondered why I was still going through all the effort of getting the damn box to where it was supposed to go but had a feeling that at the end there might be something good.

After a few twists and turn and up hills and down hills, I finally made it the address, which only infuriated me when I noticed that I had reached my apartment.

I gritted my teeth but let it go smiling at the thought that at the this point there wasn't a single thing that could spoil my night.

I made my way up to my apartment room, closing the door behind me as I made my way in. I took the box and ripped it open like a child opening a present on Christmas.

I looked at the object inside only to find a book with a note on top of it. I took the note out not caring much for the book and setting it aside on the coffee table beside me.

I unfolded the paper looking at the surprisingly neat handwriting in it.

_Dear Ichigo,_

_ If you're reading this it means that your true self has reemerged. I know that its been a long time since we've seen each other but please remember this, don't forget who you've tried to be for so long. You may think that he's a fake but he isn't. He's part of you Ichigo, he's always been part of you. That one part that has remained pure even though you've been through so much, that part of you that has fought so hard to keep you from losing yourself again. You are not meant to kill, I know that it hurts when you when you do, I know that you are suffering as you read this and think of all that has happened. By this time I am long gone, I thank Kisuke for giving this to you, he has done so much for the both of us, I'm glad that you have someone like him to stand next to you. Remember Ichigo, it isn't your fault what happened... well you may not remember now and maybe it should be kept that way but just know that I have never blamed you for it ad there is no reason why should be blamed. We've all done wrong in our lives and you are not to blame. _

_ I love you _

_ Rukia_

__I read the letter a few times not knowing what to say or do... Rukia? Who the hell was this person? and how did she know about my true self? More importantly Hat'n'clogs knew about me all along? But how?

Everything was so... confusing, I mean I had just remembered myself and now I'm being told that this isn't who I am? Then if it's not then... what the hell have I been thinking this whole time?

My past... I only remember about killing her brother... that's it. What else is there? What did I do before that? What happened to my family? Who is this Rukia person and what does she have to do with Kisuke?

This... it hurts my head.

There's so much pain in my head.

I fell to the ground holding onto the very source of my pain as if it would explode at any second. My vision became blurry and everything around me became nothingness as I drifted off into this painful world inside me.


	5. I Want My Freedom

I opened my eyes, feelings something cold and hard against my cheek. I breathed in as I sat up and looked around me. I was in a very dark place with water all around me. I moved my hand around, checking what I sat on.

I couldn't see clearly with everything being dark and all, but somewhere far up, there was a very dim light floating in midair. I stood up, unsure of how far this… whatever I was on went. As I moved I checked with my foot to see where the platform would end and the sea begin. As I moved closer the light became bigger and an overwhelming feeling overcame me.

The ground suddenly disappeared around me making me fall down under. As I fell my body collided with the water under the platform I was on, stinging on my skin as it made contact. The water was boiling my skin and burned my eyes; it had a salty taste like that of ocean water or tears.

I cringed with the pain, my skin felt like it was peeling (I guess now I know how a lobster must feel), but nothing happened to it. There was only that unbearable pain and nothing else.

I wanted to scream in pain but my voice wouldn't come out. I didn't know what was going on, I felt like I was in my own personal (or just in general) hell.

With the pain that little light was the last thing on my mind, first was the pain, that could let me barely think, then was the thought of drowning that excited all my senses.

That alone made my mind go into a frenzy. The amount of air I had breathed in before falling was already gone. The desire to breathe clean fresh air was taking over me. My mind was a blur, my instincts kicked in forgetting everything else that on. My arms reached upwards I swam hoping I could get to the top as fast as possible.

* * *

I woke up gasping for air, as my body heaved up abruptly and my hand unconsciously went to my throat. My eyes searched the area making my heart feel more at ease at seeing myself still in my room. I tried controlling my shaky gasps of air, feeling that it was getting more uncomfortable to breathe each time I gasped. My neck ached and there was a stinging pain emitting from it.

The pale orange light that seeped through the window gave the dark room a bit more color, bright enough for my eyes to adjust and see what was around me. I looked at the clock as I rubbed my neck to cease some of the irritating pain that came from it.

The clock read 6a.m, _'An hour earlier than usual'_ soon I would have to get up for work.

...

_'Work…'_ Thoughts of what happened flashed through my head. _'Last night... I pushed... Grimm... what?'_ My eyebrows furrowed as I recollected the nights events, _'Did I really do that?' _Without a second thought my body turned 90 degrees to where said person usually slept.

Sure enough it was there, a lump under the covers and bright blue hair sticking out from under it. The blankets rustled as he moved around getting more comfortable from the disturbance of my movements.

_'Okay... so he is here... then...'_ I felt somewhat relieved because it didn't happen. Grimmjow wasn't... dead and I wasn't the cause of it. _'So the n it was a dream?'  
_A dream that felt too real.

_'Pushing him to his death... it didn't really happen?' _I felt a warm liquid trickle down my cheek and onto the white sheet of blanket the lower half of my body was wrapped around. My nose stung making more tears fall. I touched my face, smiling a little.

I knew exactly why these tears came out; it wasn't because I was happy that my dream wasn't real... I was bitter because I had to live another day like this, in this hell hole.

I would have mush preferred killing him than living another day like this. I know that before I could never think like this, I thought I loved him too much to ever leave him. But I can't really say that now after trying to escape from his grasp. My throat was a good reminder of our last interaction; when I tried to listen to my good friend Rukia and leave.

...

Speaking of her, she appeared in what I'm guessing was just a dream.

I didn't know her... I had to go see her.

_'Well dreams usually portray what your subconscious is asking of you. But it's not like I'm going to kill him or anything... I couldn't... could I?'_

I looked at him again, pulling down the blanket from his face. Grimmjow looked so peaceful while he slept, almost normal. Yeah, almost... he still had that crazy smile of his even while he slept. I always thought that was the reason why I fell in love with him.

That attitude of his, how he didn't care about much and always said what was on his mind. It could be a blessing and a curse. Before he was so caring and the way he treated me, everything about him was perfect. I always admired him, but then... he just... changed, became more obsessive and a psycho. I tried to talk to him so many times but it always ended the same.

My hand caressed his tousled locks as a smile appeared on my lips. _'I'm afraid it's too late though, we can't go back to how it used to be, no matter how much I try. You just push me away and I can't take the pain anymore, physically or mentally.'_

"You enjoying yourself there?" My eyes met amused blue ones as he looked at me with a sleepy smile planted on his features. At that moment I didn't know what to do.

_'Should I smile and act like everything is alright or should I pull my hand away?'_

I wanted so much to not be in this situation, to make him feel like everything was alright; that he had gained my acceptance.

I pulled my hand away swiftly, tearing my eyes away from his to look down at the more interesting patterns of the blanket.

I felt his weight shift as he took a sitting position on the bed. "What's wrong Berry?" I felt a pain in my chest, his voice was low and soft, a little groggy from sleep, but he sounded as if he was treating with something that had to handle with so much care so it wouldn't break. For a moment it made me feel like we were back to the old times when it showed that really cared for me, when I was happy just to see his face. Those days before his issues came to light.

I yearned so much for those times to come back, I didn't know what to do with myself. Grimmjow rested his hands on my balled fists, caressing them with his thumbs.

I thought that if I could try one more time, if he could just listen this one last time then that would be enough for me.

"Grimmjow, I need you to listen to me." I whispered through the lump that formed in my throat" Grimmjow, I need you to listen to me." I whispered through the lump that formed in my throat. My hands balled into fists as I tried to suppress the tears that were daring to come out.

The silence that followed felt never ending, it felt like I could go back to that dream of mine and back into that boiling water and it would still be better than sitting here waiting for any sign of agreement, of anything at all.

"Grimm-"

"I'm listening..." He finally said before I could try to convince him once more. His hands moved away from mine, which I hadn't even noticed when he stopped caressing them. He leaned against the beds back folding his arms behind him to rest his head against.

I breathed in deeply he gave me the 'I'm listening' look that went with his words and carefree posture. I felt like I should have organized my thoughts before opening my mouth, too late now.  
I shifted my body, sitting on my legs and looked into his eyes.

"C'mon say it, ya making me nervous here." He urged, smiling a bit. Behind that grin I could see that he knew what was upcoming, what the situation was.

"Grimm..." I finally said. "Grimmjow, we've been together for years and... I love you, I feel like I couldn't live a day without you, but I can't live another like this either." I wanted to look away, saying it aloud made me feel embarrassed, even when i had to look him in the eyes.

"So, what are ya trying to say?" The smile was gone and had been replaced with furrowed eyebrows and an icy glare. The comforting atmosphere that had been left, was now completely gone and instead was a sharp tense atmosphere that could make any baby cry. I wanted to cry (I'm not a bay though), I tried not to look down at my hands nervously fiddling one another, which at the moment seemed to want my attention more than the look he was giving me.  
Though I knew how this already went, he would start tensing up, his words would come out more threatening, daring me to continue, then we could be in the same predicament it usually ends up in.

But I couldn't let it happen, not this time.

"What I'm saying Grimmjow," My voice raised a little at this, hopefully making me sound me confident, unlike how I felt. "I can't do this anymore, we need to, you need to stop. If you don't want to be with me then... just tell me,"

"I never said I didn't!" He yelled, moving from the position he rested to a more alert 'up in your face' kind of stance.

"You don't have to!" I couldn't help but get flustered at what he said, he claimed he loved me but... one doesn't do this to the person they love. I wanted to be the composed one out of the both of us but it was difficult him being the way he was and me not being able to help but get influenced with his ways.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down my nerves, knowing that we wouldn't get anywhere with the way things were heading. I had to make sure that this time things would go differently, I couldn't end it like the times before, I just couldn't. "Grimmjow, you claim that you feel the same way as I feel for you... but... I just don't see it, maybe before, one and a half years ago but... then, you changed." I backed up from our closeness, not because I was scared that he was bearing his teeth and you could literally hear them grind against each other as he recognized each word I spoke. It was because this stance, this posture that seemed like he was ready to grab me at any time and eat me made me even more flustered, like I wasn't on equal ground as him. I wanted to face him properly and it just wouldn't be possible with how he looked right now.

"What fuck do ya mean I changed?" He got closer already had noticed my subtle movements. His stance was literally "up in my face" and what I was aiming for was the complete opposite. Each word sounded threatening like he was ready to strike at any given moment and it just made me want to lose the little patience I was holding onto dearly.

"I mean is that I shouldn't have tried to leave without properly talking to you. That… I have to tell you that I still love you but I don't love being with you… if that makes any sense." I looked him straight in the eyes as I said it, what I really had been feeling but in a way that wouldn't alarm him. Truly he was just like some wild animal that needed to be treated with care.

"So… you want to leave me?" He backed up as realization hit him, his features changed in sync with the words processing through his brain. His expression turned from surprised horror to a green hulk like one, all he needed was toy arms and say "hulk smash" to complete his look (Too soon? yeah).

By the way he seemed I could only dread the worst. "You want to leave **me**?" He said it in a way that kind of ticked me off, like he was to good to be left by the likes of me. "Is that what yer trying to say?" He screamed right into my face when I he received no response from me the first two times he asked. **  
**

I couldn't do anything but gulp and nod and hope for the best, that somewhere deep inside himself there was the civilized man I used to know and that at this moment he would come out.

"Is it that ya found someone ta fuck ya better than I can? Is that why ya leaving me 'cuz he probably does that shit that a slut like ya likes." I swear I felt like my eyeballs going to shrivel up and fall out from my head with the lack of moistness that they needed. I mean I would close them but they were opened wide like saucers and I couldn't seem to be able to blink. I think you would call this a moment of shock. The fact that he made this whole story about me that I had weird kinks. For one I was never the type to like t do the freaky. I preferred normal down and dirty sex, like any man my age.

"Oh please don't look so surprised, I know that that's the reason why ya wanted to leave so early last time it was to meet that fucker, am I wrong?" He snarled grabbing me by the neck as if I was some chicken ready to slaughtered and pulled me close to his face.

I was finally able to regain control after that shock and then go back into another as he spoke more. Then it hit me, the thought that if I don't regain control of the situation things would end up like usual and everything would be for nothing.

I put my hands on his clutching onto them so there would be no more pressure on my still hurt and abused neck. "No, there is no one, there doesn't have to be anyone else to blame for this. The only ones at fault are you and I and no one else." I unscrewed the iron bar grip on me and pulled his arm away, with much effort that made me look like some type of sissy, but at this point I didn't have to worry about dignity or pride as a man since that had gone down the toilet the first time I let him put his hands on me. But that doesn't mean that I can't try to regain some, starting now.

I smiled sheepishly at myself while sighing at the thought. Yeah, starting again would be something to look forward to.

I felt my nose sting and my eyes water as I looked at his tense body. Would starting all over and leaving everything behind really make me happy? Is leaving him the best option right now? Is it the only one?

I blinked the tears away thinking of my resolve and the whole "stating anew" thing I had going on.

Leaving my own thoughts I had noticed the other person involved had made no movements in the last few seconds that had passed. Only his muscles tensed up, alert of everything. I was afraid of looking away from his unmoving chest, that showed that showed that he wasn't even breathing, to see what kind of expression was held on that face that once made me happy to see.

I felt a shift on the bed as body moved from the bed. I quickly looked up at him, fearing the worst that could come.

"Where are you going?" I asked as he lifted himself up off the bed and began to walk towards the door.

No answer came from him as he grabbed the jeans laid sloppily on the chair on his way out.

"Grimmjow! We haven't finished talking yet." I myself moved after him as I spoke. I couldn't, I wouldn't let him go until this matter was truly settled. I had to end this now, I couldn't let things keep going on the way they were.

He stopped in front of the door, hand on the handle. I stopped cold just at the same time, a twinge of fear striking me as I looked at the figure in front of me. At the moment he looked so much more bigger than me, his back much more broader as his muscles tensed again.

Adrenaline rushed through me at the impending danger that I knew was bound to happen. My heart beat rapidly in anticipation of what could happen next. For a moment I felt like this chicks in the movies that were about to get caught by the killer, except that I'm the one going after the danger.

My breath hitched as he turned around to look at me, an aggressive smile on his lips and his eyes colder than the rivers in Russia, icier than the Arctic river. I couldn't move, let alone say another word, no matter how much I tried no sound would come out. It was as if his eyes had rooted me down and paralyzed me in my place.

Slowly he let go of the handle, turning as he did t stand right in front of me with an intimidating posture.

"I think we have." He spoke in a low venomous tone. I could hear the threatening smile emitting from his lips as he leaned down and spoke to me. I couldn't even gulp down the massive lump that had formed in my throat at that point. I couldn't even will my body to move at all.

What bothered me the most was the thought that I the only reason why I never fought back was for the love I had for him, that I could never hurt him and i was all a lie. All this time I'd jut been afraid to fight back, afraid that he would hurt me more.

I couldn't stand the thought of myself getting hurt by him, I was and still am just **afraid**.

Not afraid that he might leave me but afraid that he could hurt me more than the last time, end up causing irreversible damage, or worse **death**.

Looking into his eyes was like looking at my fate, or at my cold body. I didn't ever want to end like this.

I never wanted something like this for myself, I just wanted to be happy like everyone else around me seemed to be.

At first I loved him but... things changed, he changed, he became more violent and I became more aware of what was happening. I got scared and refused to do anything about it thinking that I could avoid anything horrible like that. After he abused of me the first time and then again and again I could only say that I was happy to be alive after every beating.

I could keep going just by knowing that.

After a few moments of silent threatening he backed up, turning around as he did and giving me one last victorious smile before leaving through the door of our room.

I fell to my knees as the pressure left my body, as the worst of thoughts settled down in my mind, trying to find peace in my fucked up mind.

I could only think of how much I had failed not only myself but the one person that believed in me and was the most worried, Rukia. I looked down at my hands as they formed into fists, holding nothing but the self hatred I felt inside. Tears rolled down my face, splashing against my knees as they hit.

I felt like they were the parts of me that hoped that things would work out the way I wanted them to. Everything now seemed to be falling apart.

And I knew that it was because of my own ridiculous weakness. I knew that I could never be able to have left this trap if I didn't let go of this fear I felt.

All I could think of was my sad pathetic self and that maybe just maybe I deserved all this.

* * *

WHOOOOO! OMFG! FINALLY!

Yes! I was finally able to stop being a bit lazy and was able to conjure up some amount of the imagination I lack and finish this chapter that has been sitting in my doc manager for at least 3 months, but I finally did something and I can safely say that I have a clue of where this story is going.

I can definitely tell you that I have no confidence in anything that I say and that I may change the story from one point t the other as I go along (as you can see that it had been done in this chapter) but just go along with it trust me (don't actually do it).

So yeah hope you guys stick around till next time (heavens knows when that will be)

But heres a little something from the next chapter, hope you enjoy :D

* * *

but nothing could stop the impending question that slipped from my lips that even I knew the answer to. "Will this story ever be finished?"

lol jk I haven't even thought of what may happen next.

See you (well not see you but you know what I mean)

PS: I didn't reread this because it would take so much longer to make so many changes so its pretty much raw. Its like the saying 'what you see is what you get.'


	6. Stained Freedom

Sorry for the late post, as you guys can see this is the last chapter of this wonderful story. I have wrapped it up into a very messy little gift but what can I say I'm not the best gift wrapper (I really am not lol). I just want to say before you get bored and ignore what it says up here, thank you for being with me up until now, I really am glad I was bale to finish this even though it took so long (more because I was being lazy and didn't want to finish it lol). But yeah I'm really happy I was able to get this far and all. I was actually thinking that I was never going to finish it, but what kept me going was the thought of starting other stories that I've thought of and piled up in my wonderful notebook. But alas I shall finish the other one I have going on before all that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach (I don't think I've done this until now but I just remembered haha)

* * *

I looked down at my pathetic self. Was I really going to let this continue?

I slowly lifted myself from the floor noticing how violently I was shaking..

I grabbed the door handle for support as I made my way out the the room towards the kitchen where Grimmjow was currently preparing his breakfast without a care in the world.

'Bastard' ran through my head when I thought of him. I didn't care anymore, living in fear of the person I supposedly loved was almost the same the as dying.

letting things end now was the best.

I took my time walking to the kitchen where a sweet cinnamon smell came from. I peeked at him from the side, hiding so he couldn't see me. I knew it was somewhat sad to be doing such a thing but I couldn't help it. I wasn't even sure of what I was supposed to do at this point. How exactly was I going to end this? I didn't know and it was already too late to think it through now.

Breathing in I gathered all of my courage, almost throwing myself into his view before I could rethink it.

"Ah Grimmjow, I-I'm not taking this any longer, I'm g-going to leave you!" I yelled shutting my eyes as if it could help me disappear. I gripped my arms at my sides as I screamed out for my freedom.

There was a never ending period if silence as I held my frightened eyes shut and fists clenched at the sides of my body, tears rolling down my cheek, throat still aching and burning from all the previous abuse. I couldn't hear any sound coming from his side since the moment I popped out from the little corner.

I wanted to open my eyes and peek to see if he was really there and not just some figment of my imagination (which most of me hoped its was).

Curiosity finally getting the better of me, I half opened an eye and glanced his way.

He stood there with the hot cinnamon bun in his hand, his body shook more as the level of his anger rose as he processed my words.

For a minute I almost forgot that we were in serious situation and switched into my caring boyfriend mode, I had the urge to ask him if it was alright to leave the hot bun in hand since it had just come out the mini oven. Though tempting to ask I suppressed the want and kept quiet. He finally made a movement as I stared intently at the food in his hand, deciding whether or not to remove it from his hand.

My body stiffened, reacting as it usually would whenever he was pissed. I tried to calm down without much success. A million scenes of how he would react played in my head as I finally noticed what he was doing. For a moment I felt relieved but then most of me yelled out that I should be ticked off at the fact that he was acting like I hadn't said anything, more like I wasn't standing here all together.

He moved to the coffee machine that sat on the other side of the kitchen, and poured himself a cup of coffee once getting there. Not once making a movement of acknowledgement towards me. I stood there dumbfounded, I almost thought that he didn't hear me, but of course one, I yelled it out pretty loud, and two, he wouldn't have completely frozen to the spot when I came out. Only option left was that he was deliberately ignoring me as if I didn't exist (and at the time I wished I didn't).

I fully opened my eyes and unclenched my fists, staring at him. It wasn't that I lost hope but more like it unnerved me that he could neglect me like that.

I gritted my teeth not knowing what do at this point, _do I just walk away? No, I don't think so. _

I moved forward building up the lost courage as I made my way closer to him "Grim-Grimmjow! I really don't want to be in this situation anymore, I-I'm leaving and I won't come back."I almost whispered the last few words to myself as if I was just deciding it at this moment or more like convincing myself that I wouldn't return to his side on a whim. But no I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't let myself be so weak, I had to remember the hard times I had to go through whenever I felt like coming back to this hell hole.

I sighed inwardly, seeing no response from him, that was that, react or don't react at this point, it didn't matter. I turned around to grab my bag and things that had been thrown all around the room the night he had caught me leaving (I don't want to remind myself of that).

I took to steps towards freedom when I felt a large hand grab onto the back of my head and clutch onto my hair. I responded with a low gasp as I was thrown against the dining table next to me.

I slammed head first, my body following suit, connecting to the table with a loud thud.

Every abused part of me screamed in pain as the repercussion of collision hit me. I grabbed onto the hand that pulled at me trying to separate and get as much distance between us as possible.

"You stupid whore, who the hell do you think you are, talking all this crap about leaving me! I think you forgot who the hell saved you from prostituting yourself on the fucking streets and gave you a home to live in. You fucking belong to me." His voice seethed with rage and with every word his grip on me tightened.

I cringed in pain, my grip on him loosening. The pain that I felt wasn't entirely physical, it was more from the words that he threw at me with the recalling of past events with it.

"No, I didn't... forget," I whispered as if telling only myself "I think about it every day and I'm grateful to you for saving me, I could never forget something like that... but I realized with time that because I practically owed you my life didn't mean that I had to let you take it from me. My life belongs to me and no matter how much you do or did for me won't change that, that's why... that's why I want to end this..." I spoke softly, choosing every word with care, wanting to convey every word exactly the right way so no feelings would be left out. I had thought this through many times and even with the help of Rukia, the only true friend I'd ever had, came to this conclusion. She was the one that made me realize that letting him control my life wasn't how a relationship between an equal couple should be.

Hurting each other and only thinking ill of one another wasn't how it was meant to be, no matter how much that person meant to you. She taught me that and I owe her so much, I can't even begin to describe it. The one person who has stayed with me through thick and thin and I was barely allowed to see, was the person I was going to when I was finished with all this.

"End this? You want to end what?" He burst into manic laughter apparently finding it very comical what I had said. It hurt that he would take my words, something that took so much time to think about, that even I was even unsure of for so long, it had been running through my head for so very long and it took so much care to say because every word had to have every single feeling put in the correct way, like raising a traumatized child.

I couldn't take his mocking any longer, I was sure positive at this point that I wouldn't take his shit anymore. I used all my strength to pull myself up and away from his grip. I grabbed onto his hand holding my hair again pulling on it. All I could think about was the oh so many years that I had to suffer through with this, Rukia was right, I deserved something much more than this, I couldn't keep this up any longer.

"I'm going to end all this mocking and belittling me, I am not your fucking toy and you can't treat as if I was just trash." I whispered raising my voice with each word, as well as my strength and confidence rising. I believed each and every word that I spoke from the bottom of my heart. His laughter ceased in hearing me speak, I could feel him tensing again, his grip on me loosening. I took that chance and threw my full weight at him, pushing him to the ground and successfully realising his grasp on me.

I stood there over him, a bit shocked, never had I thought that I could have this kind of strength to be able to do something for myself for the first time ever, it was an amazing feeling to have control over myself, to be able to choose and decide not to keep this crap up.

He half laid there much more shocked than I. I breathed, knowing exactly how to proceed "I was never your equal in this relationship in your eyes, if anything I was merely just some type of property. I, for some time thought that it would be okay as long as you recognized me as something in your life and stayed with me. BUt I've realized that I'm not your fucking boy toy and I'm not some sexual object that you just fuck whenever you want to and take your fucking anger at life on. I am a fucking human and I have power over my own damn life!" I looked him over feeling a sense of self-satisfaction at being able to speak my mind, without being afraid. His surprised eyes narrowed, his whole face turning into a grimace.

I breathed again as he stood up, his face twisting even more than it already was. I gulped beginning to perspire, though I didn't show any of my confidence losing on my face, he seemed to have picked up on my uncertainty launch itself upwards as he moved towards me.

He smiled again, an aggressive like grin, as if he was about to kill off his prey. "Hah, you really got me there. Joking around like that, talking about being a human and having freedom. For a minute there I actually thought you were serious-"

"I am completely serious!" I yelled not being able to contain my irritation. Again he blew my words off as if it was unimportant, making it seem as if I wasn't completely serious. "What the hell do you think this is? I'm not fucking joking! Stop making it seem as if this was all fucking joke, you psycho!" I gasped, trembling, every part of my body quaking in anger. I felt furious at him for the second time I had ever been with him. The first time we were arguing about some nonsensical thing and he treated me as if I was some idiot, I had been angry at him for it, the first time he ever got physical with me. I regret not cutting ties with him that first time, or acting less helpless than what I had.

Suddenly his hands were on my neck, before I could react he threw me against the counter on the side. I hit the counter with a loud thud, I groaned his hands already on me before I could do anything.

He grabbed me by the eck, forcing my face to look straight at him. "You couldn't have just passed it a s joke. You really think that you'd be able to leave me? What the fuck makes you think that I would let you go? You. Are. Mine. Get it?" He finished as he clawed his fingers into my neck even further. I gasped feeling like it could break and not being able to breath. I grabbed onto his hand feeling a little nostalgic ( I know not the right time).

"L-let go!" I wheezed as I dug my short nails in his arm.

* * *

I coughed into my hand blood fresh blood mixing in with the one already there. I breathed heavily leaning my head back against the counter.

I surge of relief came over me as a small smile appeared on my lips. It was finally over I thought as I looked over the bloody body next to me.

My fingers caressed his blue locks, staining them with red. I felt my heart squeeze in pain and more blood fell from my lips as I squeezed the gap in my chest, like it would reduce the pain that emitted from there.

_Even though things ended this way I'm still happy. Though I didn't picture my freedom to be so short lived I at least gained it. I don't regret what I did. I still love you Grimmjow and I always will. Now we can both keep loving each other in hell. _I smiled at the thought coughing once again. My breathing came heavy and struggled, every breath burned my insides as if my whole chest had a lit candle inside of it. As lied down next to my one and only I thought of the strange dream I had the night before, thinking about how I used that thought as reference to gain my freedom. Though this freedom was a double-edged sword, even though I was glad.

I closed my eyes feeling a heavy, drowsy feeling overcome me.

_Hah, I guess this is really the end. I enjoyed it while it lasted. Guess this is really the end of it all. _I thought as I felt my consciousness slip away from me.

* * *

Nope, don't say it. I am the best. Haha just joking I know you guys wana choke me right now but I have a good reason for ending it like this. Thing is that I am (as you might have noticed already) a horrible writer and I can't write a fight scene even if my life depended on it. But for you guys I will practice my moves on my family members to be able to effectively describe the gruesome fight between them.

Truthfully I had a whole nother idea planned for this but it didn't work out as I wanted it too, and I thought that Grimmy pouring hot coffee onto Berry's face was just too much (though I thought it was a good idea) some thought it wasn't suitable for this, che forget them.

Well anyway even if it didn't turn out the way I had planned (that whole dream wasn't really a dream at first I just improvised because I messed up) but I'll stop revealing my failures as a writer.

Just know that I enjoyed writing this very much, cracked up at my own thoughts a few times, made his a little comical in my brain although its supposed to be very serious but some of that kookiness flowed onto the story, sorry for that, comical relief I guess.

I hope you liked reading it as much as I loved writing it and I hope you guys can share some of that love by commenting on how much you liked it OR hated it if you guys were absolutely disgusted about it.

I know there is something more I want to say but I can't think about it know so... yeah. I hope you guys liked it and yeah, stuff... I'm done now. :)


End file.
